“Beyond how much there is to do, women are also expected to manage everything with grace and patience,” says Bridget Dellamanna, MSW, LCSW, LCADC, clinical manager of the Women’s Program at Princeton House Behavioral Health. “It’s engrained in our society and our upbringing that women are responsible for so many facets of life. Even schools typically call a mother first when a child is sick.”
These expectations have been passed down to women throughout generations and are often internalized, according to Dellamanna. Women may think that if their own mother did everything, then they should, too. Or if their own mother fell short, they should do better.
“The way we were raised influences us heavily and can contribute to the pressures we put on ourselves,” explains Dellamanna. “Understanding that helps us to connect the dots. But we also have the ability to use those dots to make our own picture.”
Cultivating Compassion
One way forward is to find and build self-compassion, which is a major aspect of the Emotion Regulation track of the Women’s Program at Princeton House. The group format of this track is particularly helpful for women struggling with the invisible load.
“It’s like turning on the lights in a dark room,” explains Dellamanna. “It can be difficult to put down the weight, walk into the room, and commit to turning on a light. But then you see that there are other people in the room with you and recognize that you don’t suffer alone.”
“You might even try to open some new doors and consider a path where you do things differently,” she adds. “Even if you’re not yet ready to walk through the door, the honest insight in the room goes a long way.”
Sometimes change starts in small steps, like finding five minutes to enjoy something meaningful while letting go of any feelings of guilt. Finding validation from other women and letting go of perfectionism can also open the door to change.
Seeking help from a behavioral health provider or program is in itself a form of self-compassion. These individuals, in turn, can assist women with ways to ask for help from their more immediate support networks – including partners and family members – to decrease the invisible load. The Women’s Program teaches women skills to ask for help and offers family education to assist in this process.
“When we begin to reevaluate our roles and take steps to change, sometimes it helps the people around us to change, too,” says Dellamanna. “We’re never in a dark room by ourselves.”
