“Grief can be difficult to understand, but it shouldn’t be placed in the realm of something we whisper about in our society,” says Diane Wiltshire, MSW, LSW, Primary Therapist for the Women’s Program at the Princeton outpatient site. “It’s important to talk about grief and show up for others who are grieving in ways that are truly present.”
When people think of grief, the death of a loved one usually comes to mind. But grief can also be experienced after loss on a broader level, including the loss of a pet, home, job, marriage, or way of life.
“What happens on our grief journey is directly related to our ability to process and accept loss, whatever form of loss that may be,” says Wiltshire. “This informs how we grieve, what that grieving process looks like, how long we grieve, and our ability to move through grief in a healthy and safe way.”
Resistance to Grief
Wiltshire notes that our sense of safety is wrapped up in our ability to make sense of what we see, hear, and feel. When loss is tied to trauma, is unexpected, or occurs at an age contrary to the “typical” expectations of what a full life should look like, many people experience strong resistance to grief.
“The opposite of resistance is acceptance,” says Wiltshire. “Some people are so fearful of the concept of grief that they don’t have the preparatory conversations they should throughout life. Yet those conversations – even when difficult – can help with the grieving process down the road.”
How Providers Can Help
While much of the work needs to be done by the individual experiencing grief, Wiltshire offers the following insight for behavioral health providers who are helping patients through the grieving process.
Identify trauma. Grief and trauma often go hand in hand. Both are complex and deeply personal, yet trauma further complicates grief. When clinicians extrapolate the two, they can determine which one may require more immediate attention. Prioritizing what is affecting a patient more deeply can help them re-engage with life sooner.
Recognize other layers. In addition to deep sadness, grief can be accompanied by the loss of one’s own identity and the fear of crafting a whole new existence. It can impact someone physically, emotionally, socially, and financially, especially when every aspect of life changes overnight. Recognizing that grief has many complex layers and is highly individualized can help patients better understand the way they feel and the work to be done.
Clarify recovery intentions. In every grief experience, it’s important to decide on the intentions for recovery, and providers can help patients through this process. If the intention is to move through grief, it doesn’t necessarily make the process easier, but it sets the tone for the journey.
Notice guilt or self-judgment. It’s not uncommon to hold on to grief. For some, it may serve as a sense of identity or be the last vestige of what was lost. They may fear that if they stop grieving, they will stop loving or begin to forget their loved one. Guilt also plays a role. Wiltshire often sees people catch themselves the first time they laugh after experiencing a loss, immediately reverting to a more “acceptable” reaction.
Patients should know that the intention to heal doesn’t mean they’re over the loss or the love they shared dissipates. Rather, this intention helps them move through the journey to a place where they can safely and effectively rejoin their life.
Consider relationship complexities. It’s very possible for people to grieve those who have done them harm or have not shown up in their lives in a supportive way. This can be difficult to reconcile in the grieving process. But acknowledging that grief and anger or resentment can co-exist serves as a way to honor the truth during the grieving process.
Likewise, trying to fit grieving into a mold considered acceptable by society when it doesn’t feel authentic to one’s own experience can create more suffering. Everyone is allowed to celebrate and mourn in a way that is true to their individual experience and personal beliefs.
“Grief’s path is best traveled in a way that honors the experience and is authentic for the griever,” says Wiltshire. “When we can help patients take even small steps toward re-engagement with life, it can be amazing progress to witness.”
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